Lessons from the Kitchen: When Helping Isn't Actually Helping
Welcome back to the Koi Wellness blog! I’m Aya Porté, an occupational therapist (OT), and this month I’m revisiting a story I wrote about several years ago—one that still follows me in my work today.
I sometimes jokingly describe it as the time I “imprisoned” a child and his father in their kitchen.
Of course, I didn’t actually imprison anyone. But that is how the child described the experience afterward. And years later, I understand much better why it felt that way to him.
I went into that session with the best intentions. The parent and child were trying to develop a plan for everyday responsibilities that would give the child more autonomy while helping him become more self-sufficient. My goal was to help them find a realistic middle ground they could both agree on.
The problem? Somewhere along the way, I became more focused on completing the plan than on the child sitting in front of me.
When the Goal Gets in the Way
We were running out of time, and I remember thinking, If we can just finish this plan, they'll have something tangible to work on.
Meanwhile, the child was telling me something completely different.
He was tired. He was pacing. His speech had become pressured, and he was increasingly agitated. I noticed the signs, but I kept going.
Parents and providers can fall into this trap so easily. A child refuses to brush their teeth, wash their hands, or complete another everyday task. We explain why they need to do it. They explain why they absolutely won't. Suddenly, a 60-second task has become a 30-minute debate.
Sometimes we need to stop asking, How do I get them to do this? and start asking:
What is making this so hard right now?
Sometimes the Plan Is to Drop the Plan
Looking back, I wonder what would have happened if I had simply stopped and asked,
“Is this too much right now? Am I asking too much of you?”
At the time, leaving without a completed plan felt like failure. Today, I recognize that dropping the expectation might have helped me build trust so we could return to it another day.
There isn't one strategy or perfect tool that will work every time. People are dynamic. Environments change. Energy and regulation change. Sometimes what worked yesterday isn't the right fit today.
Listen to the Conversation
In this month's Koi Wellness conversation, Elly and I revisit Lessons from the Kitchen and what this experience has taught me years later. We talk about good intentions versus impact, recognizing power struggles, repairing relationships, knowing when to change course, and why sometimes the most helpful thing we can do is stop looking for the one “right” answer.
I also share a very different interaction I had with a child years later—one where simply asking, “Are you having a hard day?” helped create the space he needed to regulate and decide for himself that he was ready to return to class.
We all have our own “kitchen moments”—times when we realize we pushed too far, missed what someone was communicating, or could have handled something differently.
Reflection isn't about deciding whether you were “good” or “bad.” Instead, ask: What made this difficult? What got in the way? What helped? What could I try differently next time?
Years later, this story still follows me because reflecting on it continues to shape the therapist I am today.
If you'd like support getting curious about what's happening in your own family and finding strategies that fit your child and your everyday life, you can schedule a consultation with me and connect with me on LinkedIn, Instagram, and Facebook.
Don’t forget to share this article with someone who might need the reminder that sometimes changing the plan is the plan.