Teaching Children How to Communicate Their Needs Effectively
Welcome back to the Koi Wellness blog! I'm Aya Porté, a pediatric occupational therapist (OT) supporting cross-cultural families and helping children thrive through compassionate, individualized care.
When we think of “advocacy,” we often picture teens or adults speaking up in school, the workplace, or the community. But self-advocacy starts much earlier—and it begins at home.
As parents and caregivers, we’re often the first people children turn to when something feels off. But how do we help our kids move from meltdowns or shutdowns to words and solutions? The answer lies in nurturing self-advocacy skills: the ability to understand and communicate one’s own needs.
What is Self-Advocacy, and Why Does It Matter?
Self-advocacy is the practice of recognizing one’s own needs, feelings, and preferences—and being able to express them clearly and respectfully.
For children, this might sound like:
“I don’t like loud sounds, they make me nervous.”
“I need help tying my shoes.”
“I’m not ready to talk yet. Can I have a break?”
When children learn to self-advocate, they:
Build confidence and autonomy
Develop emotional intelligence
Strengthen problem-solving skills
Experience fewer power struggles and meltdowns
And for neurodivergent children or third-culture kids navigating multiple environments (home, school, different languages), self-advocacy can become a grounding tool—something that gives them a sense of control and belonging.
Signs a Child is Struggling to Advocate for Themselves
Not all kids know how to articulate their needs—and that’s okay. It’s a skill we can nurture over time. Here are some signs your child may need support:
🔁 Frequent meltdowns over “small” things
🫥 Shutting down instead of asking for help
🤷 Saying “I don’t know” often when asked how they feel
🙅♂️ Avoiding activities they used to enjoy
🥹 Seeming frustrated or misunderstood
These behaviors aren’t signs of defiance—they’re signals. Our job is to decode the message and teach new ways to express it.
How to Build Self-Advocacy Skills at Home
Here are some practical OT-informed strategies you can use right now:
1. Name the Need
Young kids don’t always have the words to express their inner world. Start by modeling phrases they can use:
“You seem upset—do you need a break or a hug?”
“You’re hiding under the table. Is the room too loud or too bright?”
“Do you need space, or would it help to talk it out?”
Over time, your child will internalize these choices and begin to recognize and label their own needs.
2. Offer Choices Instead of Commands
Giving children agency over their routines and responses helps them feel respected and in control. Instead of saying:
❌ “Get dressed now.”
Try: ✅ “Do you want to wear the red shirt or the blue one today?”
Instead of:
❌ “You’re fine, it’s not that loud.”
Try: ✅ “Would noise-canceling headphones help, or do you want to leave the room for a bit?”
These small shifts empower kids to make decisions and express preferences without fear of dismissal.
3. Use Visuals and Scripts
Some children benefit from visual aids or “scripts” to help them remember how to advocate. Try:
A feelings chart with faces they can point to
A “help card” they can hand to you when overwhelmed
Practicing role-play at home: “What can you say if someone takes your toy?” “What if you need a break at school?”
Repetition and predictability help build confidence.
4. Celebrate Advocacy, Not Just Compliance
When your child says, “I need a break,” celebrate it! Even if the timing is inconvenient. These moments show that your child is tuning into their body and communicating instead of acting out.
Praise the process, not just the result:
“Thank you for telling me you were tired instead of yelling.”
“That was a great choice—you used your words when you felt overwhelmed.”
For Cross-Cultural Families: Be Mindful of Mixed Messages
A child should have intrinsic motivation to do anything. I believe it’s the responsibility of the adult to meet the child where they are at, and not have the child meet the high expectations of the adult. There is a better way to tap into a child’s internal motivation, and it involves getting curious and digging deeper.
Understanding why a child may say no to something helps you tackle the situation differently.
Advocacy Is a Lifelong Skill
Helping your child advocate for themselves isn’t about making life easier—it’s about equipping them with tools for resilience, relationships, and self-worth. It’s also a powerful way to build trust and connection within your family.
If your child struggles with communication, frustration, or sensory overload, there are simple ways we can build those skills together.
💬 Want support navigating this journey? Let’s talk.
I offer 1:1 parent consultations to help you create practical strategies tailored to your child and family’s needs. Schedule a call here and let’s empower your child to be seen, heard, and supported.
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Together, we can help every child find their voice. 💛